Half Eaten

Sometimes
It’s like a mouse
Sleeping,
Harmlessly curled up
In some warm bodily nook.

Sometimes
It’s like a snake;
Slowly sinking fangs into flesh,
Indulgent,
Poison seeping up thighs,
Veins treacling,
Heart slowly thickening,
Consciousness
Limping.

Other times
It’s like a dinosaur
Has stomped right up to me,
Glared,
And chomped,
Casual,
Direct,
My torso.

Leaving me
Like two thirds of a piece of toast.

The Story

Four months ago my marriage broke up. I say "broke up", it would be more accurate to say my now-estranged husband broke up. His brain, I like to think, just slowed down, shuddered and stopped. So one Thursday, while I was visiting my parents, he decided that his marriage was over, gathered his stuff together and left.

He left me a note. Oh, don't think he didn't mention it to me. He did. There was a whole side of A4.

I was in shock. I think. Numb. With some weeping. Oh alright, numb with a lot of weeping. Debenhams, TK Maxx, Sainsbury's: I wept in them all.

A month later he decided that he might have made a mistake. We did a little bit of talking, a few weeks' worth, and then he slept with the woman he left me for again. (Oh yes, there was another woman. Have I not mentioned that? Remiss of me.)

Then this week, I lost my job.

Life has gone from this known and knowable thing, to something which surprises me at every turn. To begin with that felt unbearable, and now it feels a bit wonderful.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression, sometimes it's still hard. Choke in the throat hard (that sounds rude).

But by god there have been some just *lovely* things too. Times, people, thoughts, feelings, dreams, plans. I feel a bit like I have woken up, and to everything; beautiful and terrible, opportunity and crisis.

It's all happening. All of it.

Y'know light switches.

Y’know light switches.

There they are. On a wall.
There’s probably one on the wall of the room you’re in.
Right now.

It’s sitting there.
Quiet.
Square.
Contained.

That light switch
Is minding its own business.

Until
Someone
Comes along
And puts their sticky little mitt all over it.

Fingers
Pressing.

BOOM!

Says the light switch.

HA!

Says the light switch.

SEE MY POWER!

The connections
The electricity
The fizz and tension and wires
Sizzling towards
Illumination.

Now look at that bloody light switch again.

The point.

Life has changed.

Some days I wake up and feel utterly confused. But mostly I just get up, feed the cat, make some porridge and some tea, potter about. There is barely any crying nowadays. And a lot of laughing.

But I find myself, and have found myself, doing a shit load of writing. And it has nowhere to go.

So I thought I'd go all 2006 and start a blog.

Is it just for me?

Maybe.

I guess we will see.